Season 2 Episode 5 - Season 2, Episode 5: Maybe It’s Not About Choosing Between Mary and Martha. Learning to Receive Before We Pour Out

Have you ever had one of those days when you finally hear yourself say, Why am I the one who has to do everything? Maybe nobody asked you to do everything. Maybe some of it genuinely does need to be done. But you're tired, you're irritated, you're carrying the details, you're thinking about what everybody else needs, you're noticing what isn't getting done. And somewhere along the way, something that began as serving has turned into resentment. Maybe you're doing the dishes a little louder than necessary. Maybe you're answering, I'm fine, in that particular tone that communicates very clearly that you are not absolutely fine. Maybe you're thinking, does anybody notice how much I do around here? Why doesn't he see what needs to be done? Why do I always have to ask? Why can't somebody else take responsibility for once? Why does everybody need something from me? And sometimes these are legitimate questions. Maybe something really does need to change. Maybe there needs to be a conversation. Maybe someone else needs to take responsibility. Maybe you need a boundary. But sometimes there's another question worth asking, which is what's happening in me while all of this is happening around me? Sometimes a situation that has all of our attention isn't the whole problem. Sometimes it's also revealing something within us that Jesus wants to lovingly bring into the life. And there's a woman in Luke chapter 10 who understands that feeling very well. And her name is Mark. And I think we've been a little hard on her. Welcome back to the Wholehearted Woman Podcast. I'm Chris Rennie, and this is season two of the Wholehearted Life: Learning to Live from a Heart Formed by Jesus. Throughout this season, we've been asking one question: how does a wholehearted woman live? And we're discovering that answer by walking alongside people in Scripture and watching what happens as God forms the human heart. Anna took us into the place of unanswered prayer. Can I trust God when I can't control the outcome? And Peter took us into failure. And I returned to Jesus when pressure reveals something in me I didn't even know was there. Then we sat beside a well with a Samaritan woman, and Jesus took us underneath our patterns to ask, What is my heart actually thirsty for? And where have I learned to take that thirst? We discovered that maybe wholehearted living isn't becoming a woman who never thirsts. Maybe it's becoming a woman who knows where to drink. And today we're going to take one step further because once I know where to drink, am I actually stopping long enough to receive? Or am I pouring and pouring and pouring while something inside of me is becoming increasingly empty? Luke chapter 10 tells us that Jesus and his disciples came to a village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister Mary sat at Jesus' feet listening to what he said. And Martha? Martha was busy. Luke says, Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. And before we criticize her, can we just acknowledge something? Somebody had to do something, right? Jesus and his disciples had arrived, there were people in the house, hospitality required work. Food didn't just magically prepare itself, water doesn't just walk into the room, and tables don't set themselves. And I think many women read this story and secretly think, exactly, Mary is sitting there while Martha is doing everything. Some of us are thinking, I totally get Martha. And I do too, because we need Martha. There are meals to prepare, children to raise, businesses to run, ministries to lead, jobs to do, bills to pay, appointments to remember, parents to care for, homes to maintain, people who genuinely depend on us. Wholehearted living does not mean sitting quietly with Jesus while the house burns down around us. There are times to serve, there are times to work, and there are times to organize, lead, accomplish, prepare, and get things done. Martha isn't wrong because she's responsible, but something else is happening. Luke doesn't merely say Martha was serving. It says she was distracted by all the serving. And eventually what's happening inside Martha begins coming out. Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me. Oh Martha, I understand you. Because notice what has happened. It began with serving, and now there is frustration, comparison, resentment, and maybe even a sense of being unseen. Don't you care? That sentence catches me because Martha isn't simply frustrated with Mary anymore. Now Jesus is part of the problem. Don't you see what I'm carrying? Don't you see that I'm doing this alone? Don't you care? Have you ever been there? Maybe you began doing something because you wanted to. Maybe because it needed to be done. Maybe because you love people. Maybe because you're responsible. Maybe because you're good at it. But somewhere along the way, you got tired. Then tired becomes frustration. Then frustration becomes resentment. And resentment began telling a story. Nobody appreciates me. Nobody helps me. Everything depends on me. If I don't do it, it won't get done. Nobody sees what I carry. And perhaps eventually, God, don't you care? Now we're no longer talking about dinner. We're talking about the heart. And I love Jesus' response. He doesn't humiliate her. He doesn't say, Martha, look at Mary. Why can't you be more like your sister? He doesn't call her selfish. He doesn't criticize her hospitality. He says, Martha, Martha, her name, twice. There is tenderness in that. And then Jesus says, You are worried and upset about many things. Notice what he does. Martha says, Mary is the problem. Jesus turns toward Martha's heart. Martha wants Jesus to change Mary. And Jesus invites Martha to notice Martha. That doesn't mean Mary could never help. It doesn't mean workloads don't need to be shared. It doesn't mean unfair situations aren't unfair. Jesus isn't teaching us that every external problem is secretly our fault. Sometimes another person really does need to change. Sometimes we do need a boundary. Sometimes responsibilities need to be redistributed. Sometimes we need to have a difficult conversation. And sometimes something needs to just stop. But even when something outside of us needs to change, Jesus can still ask us, what's happening inside of you here? And that's a very different question. This is something I see again and again in our lives. We naturally focus on the situation in front of us. My marriage is making me crazy. My job is exhausting me. My adult children constantly need something from me. My boss doesn't appreciate me. My family takes advantage of me. I can't make this decision. I know something needs to change, but I keep overthinking it. And I can't say no. I'm exhausted, but I can't stop. And those things matter. They're real. But sometimes the situation we're trying so hard to solve is also revealing something underneath that wants our attention. And this is something I love exploring with women. Not simply how do we fix the situation, but what is this situation revealing about what's happening in your heart? Because maybe you're doing too much. But why is stopping so difficult? Maybe you need a boundary, but why does saying no produce so much guilt and anxiety? Maybe somebody else could help, but why is it so hard to let them do it differently than you would? Or why is it difficult for you to ask? Maybe you are exhausted, but why does rest make you feel irresponsible or lazy? Maybe you're always helping everyone, but what happens inside of you when you're not needed? Maybe you genuinely love serving people, but somewhere along the way, can I ask? Did serving become the place where you learn to find your worth? Maybe. These aren't occasions, they're invitations to curiosity because you can't surrender a pattern you can't see. And sometimes we don't need someone to tell us what's wrong with us. We need a safe place to slow down long enough to recognize what we couldn't see while we were spinning inside of it. There is a difference between being responsible and believing everything is our responsibility. There's a difference between serving and caring. There's a difference between helping and believing you can't say no. There's a difference between excellence and perfectionism. There's a difference between being dependable and needing to be indispensable. There's a difference between loving people and feeling responsible for everybody's happiness. And those lines can become so blurred, especially for women who are capable, women who know how to get things done. Women people depend upon, women who have spent years being the strong one. Sometimes competence itself can hide exhaustion. Everyone sees it. She's got it. Meanwhile, she's thinking, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. And sometimes the hardest thing for a capable woman isn't doing more, it's admitting, I need something too. And I think this is where we have to go deeper than telling women you just need to rest. Most exhausted women already know they're tired. They don't need another person telling them to take a bubble bath and practice self-care. The deeper question may be, why can't I stop? What happens when I stop? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel lazy? Do you feel unproductive? Do you feel you're disappointing everyone? Does something feel out of control? Do you start hearing thoughts and feelings that busyness helps avoid? Do you believe your worth is connected to what you accomplish? Have you become so accustomed to being needed that you don't know who you are when nobody needs you? Sometimes busyness isn't merely a scheduling problem. Sometimes it has become a heart problem. And Jesus isn't condemning us for that. He's inviting us to notice. Martha, Martha, what's happening here? So Mary is sitting at Jesus' feet. She's listening, receiving, she's present, and Jesus says, few things are needed, or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her. Now I don't hear Jesus saying, never serve again, and I don't hear responsible women have their priorities wrong. What I hear is an invitation to get back to the source. Because what happens when the Martha in us becomes disconnected from the Mary in us? What happens when all of our giving is no longer flowing from receiving? What happens when we become so busy doing things for Jesus that we've been stopped simply being with Jesus? And that's when good things can begin becoming heavy things. Serving becomes striving, responsibility becomes pressure, giving becomes depletion, and eventually we find ourselves doing good things with a heart full of resentment, and we don't want that. I don't think the question is, are you a Mary or a Martha? I think a whole-hearted woman needs both. There are times to sit and there are times to rise, there are times to listen and there are times to act. There are times to receive and there are times to pour out. There are times to rest and there are times to work very hard. The question is, from where are you living? Are you serving from connection or are you serving from depletion? Are you giving from love? Or are you giving because you're terrified of disappointing someone? Are you saying yes because Jesus is leading you, or because you don't know how to say no? Are you doing this because it's yours to carry? Or because somewhere inside you've believed everything depends on you. That process is formation. And this is where last week's conversation becomes so beautiful. The Samaritan woman taught us to ask, where do you go when your heart is thirsty? Jesus offered living water, and now Mary shows us something else. Stay long enough to drink. Don't simply know where the source is. Receive, sit, listen, remain. Because we were never meant to continually pour from a heart that has stopped receiving. Maybe that's why some of us are so tired. We keep pouring, pouring into our marriages, children, work, ministry, friends, into everybody else's emergencies, and eventually we discover I'm empty. Not because giving is wrong, no, but because we forgot that we're recipients before we're providers. Before you are useful, you have to know you're loved. Before you accomplish, you have to know you belong. Before you serve, you need to know you are his. And this can be difficult for women who have learned to earn rest. I'll rest when the kitchen is clean. I'll rest when everybody else is taken care of. I'll rest when this project is finished. I'll rest when the emails are answered. I'll rest when the business is running smoothly. I'll rest when fill in the blank. And somehow when never arrives. Because there is always another thing. What if rest isn't the reward for finally finishing everything? What if rest is part of how God designed us to live? Even Jesus withdrew. He stepped away, he prayed, he rested, he received. There will always be more that could be done. The question isn't whether everything is finished. Sometimes the question is, is it time for you to just sit down? For some women, serving is easy. Stopping is terrifying because stopping requires surrender. You have to surrender the belief that everything depends on you. You have to surrender somebody else's opinion of you. You have to surrender your opinion of you. You may have to surrender your perfection. You may have to let somebody else be disappointed. You may have to let someone else do something differently than you. You may even have to admit, I can't carry all of this. And perhaps that isn't failure. Perhaps that's truth. And there's humility in recognizing our limits. Jesus is savior. We're not. And sometimes the most wholehearted thing we can do is stop long enough to remember that. So I want to be clear. The goal isn't do less, the goal is live connected. There may be seasons when Jesus asks a great deal of us. And there may be seasons of building. There may be seasons of caring, serving, creating, working, sacrificing. But activity and abiding are not enemies. The question is whether the activity is flowing from abiding. Because Mary eventually gets up. Life continues. There are still things to do, but there's a difference between getting up from the feet of Jesus and running around trying to earn something we could have received there to sit, receive, and listen, and then rise and serve from that place. So let's slow this down. Where are you tired now? Not simply physically tired, but where has your heart become tired? Where have you started resenting something you once willingly carried? Where do you hear yourself thinking, why do I have to do everything? Where are you frustrated that nobody seems to notice what you're carrying? And then let's go underneath that. What makes stopping so difficult? What makes saying no so difficult? What are you afraid might happen if you don't handle it? What do you believe your usefulness says about your worth? Are you carrying something because Jesus asked you to? Or because you've always been the one who carries it and sees something that needs to be done? And perhaps the most important question is when was the last time you sat with Jesus without needing to accomplish anything? Not to prepare a teaching or to find an answer or solve a problem, not to check prayer off your list, but just to be with him. This week I want you to notice one place where your serving has started turning into strain. Don't immediately fix it. Don't shame yourself. Just get curious. Sit with Jesus and ask, Jesus, what is happening in my heart here? When did I learn this? And then perhaps ask, is this mine to carry? And what makes putting it down feel so difficult for me? And just listen. Maybe he shows you a boundary, maybe a conversation, maybe something you need to release. Maybe he simply says, just sit with me. And if that's all you hear, sit. We don't have to earn that place. And sitting can also be be still. And if you're listening today, thinking, Chris, I know something isn't working in my life. I know I'm exhausted or stuck or overthinking, but honestly, I don't know what's underneath it. This is the kind of work I love doing with women. We slow things down. We look beneath the situations that's consuming all of your attention. We begin to identify what may be keeping you stuck, what belongs to you, what doesn't, and what might need to change so you can begin moving forward with greater clarity, direction, and purpose. Not by giving you a list of answers for your life, but by creating room for you to hear what's happening in your own heart and to bring that honestly before Jesus. And I'll be sharing more very soon about ways we can do that together. So I'd like to close in prayer. Jesus, thank you for Martha. Thank you for the women who serve, the women who show up, the women who carry responsibility, the women who make the meal, remember the appointment, answer the call, care for the family, build the business, serve the church and community, and keep so many things moving. You see them and you see what they carry. But Jesus, when our serving becomes striving, when responsibility becomes over-responsibility, when giving becomes depletion, when love becomes resentment, call our names. Martha, Martha. Bring us back to what is happening in our hearts. Show us what is ours to carry and what isn't. Show us where guilt has been driving us, where perfectionism has been exhausting us, where fear has been controlling us, where our worth has become tangled with being needed. Teach us to receive before we pour out. Teach us to sit at your feet, to listen and rest and remember that before we do anything for you, we belong to you. And when it's time to rise and serve again, let us rise from connection, from love, from fullness, from you. Teach us when to sit, teach us when to serve, and above all, teach us to remain. In Jesus' name, amen. Maybe Martha didn't need to become Mary. Maybe Martha needed to remember what Mary knew in that moment. Before I pour out, I need to receive. We need women who get things done. We need women to serve and lead and build. We need women who carry responsibility very well with excellence. But we don't need women destroying themselves, trying to prove that they can carry everything. The Samaritan woman taught us where to drink. Mary reminds us to stay long enough to receive. And Martha shows us what can happen when our pouring out exceeds our taking in. So this week, sit, receive, and listen, and then when it's time, get up. There is work worth doing. There are people worth loving. There are things God has placed in your hands, but you don't have to do them disconnected from the one who gave them to you to begin with. Maybe wholehearted living isn't choosing between being Mary or Martha. Maybe it's learning to serve like Martha without losing the heart of Mary. And friends, if you're discovering that the struggle goes deeper than managing your schedule, I'd love to share my free chapter of my book, A Heartfully Alive. It's an invitation to begin noticing what your heart has been carrying and how Jesus meets you there. I'll have the link to the free chapter in the episode notes. So for now, always remember you are seen, you are deeply loved, and the shepherd is still speaking. I'll see you next week.